I Pity The Fool

What was that?  Did you say something?  I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you; I was busy getting reamed by my dissertation advisor.  Yes, that’s right, the one who has been giving me contradictory instructions since last fall, but has somehow found a way to blame the lack of progress on me.  You know what I love?  Academia.  Where academia meets psychology is basically the best of both worlds, because then the people you work with or learn from can be just as crazy as anything.  Professors are probably equally likely to be jerks in any other field, but in psychology, it seems like a special breed in some way.

If you’re reading this (which I know she isn’t or I’d be way too chicken to put it up here), oh madame professor who insists on us being on a first name basis (despite the obscenely obvious power differential), you are full of it. 

So yesterday at my externship, I was continuing an assessment with this woman who is a very interesting character.  Although she is generally cooperative, she began the day by screaming at one of the nice clerks at the front desk,and was sort of irritated for the rest of our two-hour appointment.  She kept commenting on how she’s tired of being asked all these questions, and doesn’t understand what it’s for (though she knows perfectly well that the assessment was court-ordered because she requested to have her kids returned to her from foster care).

Anyway, after about an hour and a half of quality assessment time, she started to get even more frustrated.  We were doing a section of one test that involves asking a lot of factual-type questions, similar to "Name all the oceans," that sort of thing.  So my companion in testing begins to protest more vocally, saying things like, "I don’t know the answers to all these questions…I wish I could call someone up and ask them…I wish I had my family here cheering me on and clapping…I wish they would pay me a million dollars to answer these questions!"*

Without skipping a beat, I told her, "I wish they would pay me a million dollars to work here."

Fortunately, instead of getting pissed off at me, she just laughed.  I don’t know if this is funny to read, but it was kind of an amusing/surreal moment and so far most people I’ve recounted it to saw something humorous in it.  Whatever, actually you’d be surprised how relatively few truly funny things happen at the psych department (well, at this hospital anyway)…

*In case it wasn’t clear, I think the reference was to the show, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

1. Is anyone wondering why I’m not answering the phone this weekend?

2. Have you ever had bronchitis?

3. Did you know it was possible to cough so hard that blood comes out your nose?

4. Is that too much information?

Hey- so despite the trials, tribulations, and somewhat Sisyphean task of working with such a high-risk population (for lack of a better descriptor), apparently, sometimes therapy works.  Sometimes, it even works when I do it.

For example, one of my group patients today told me that, instead of buying a left-handed guitar (with the tax refund money bestowed upon him by his girlfriend), he ultimately decided to (at least partially) pay back the loansharks who were charging him 200% interest and who could probably kill him.

On the other hand, how about a family who brought their kid to the ER last week demanding attention (despite having missed something like 6 of their previous 7 appointments with me)?  In accordance with hospital policy (though against my better judgment) I provided them with an appointment for the following day.  Long story short, they skipped it, even after two telephone conversations with me within a half hour of their scheduled time…I think they went to buy the kid sneakers.*  So one could either interpret this as

a) my failure to convince this family of the importance of therapy, or to make therapy worthwhile to them,

b) my incredible brilliance, curing them telepathically so that they no longer even NEED to show up at the clinic, or

c) the truth being that some people (and their questionable judgment) are beyond what help is currently available…

If you guessed c), you are in concordance with my supervisors.  If you guessed b) thanks for the vote of confidence, but you are probably happily delusional.  If you guessed a), you are probably a psychology graduate student.

*New ones.  Many of my patients, despite their financial woes, have much better wardrobes than I do

So Lisa and I were talking today, and we somehow wound up discussing momentous occasions in my life, and how they might be depicted onscreen. Oh, I remember: because I was telling her she had nothing to lose in a particular endeavor, and then I remarked that "nothing to lose" was basically the story of my life, in many ways. So that would be the title of the movie. Who would play me? I thought of Janeane Garofalo; despite Lisa’s pointing out that J.G. may not be that great of an actress, I felt that she is the only Hollywood celebrity who remotely resembles me in any way, and is not a cartoon character (e.g., Daria). So who would play Lisa? Not being able to come up with a celebrity, I stated that Lisa would be portrayed by a young ingenue, a woman who had never before appeared in cinema, but would achieve a starmaking turn and win Best Supporting Actress for her role in the Liz B. Biopic. Where would the film begin? Perhaps with a scene of the young Liz appearing, torturously, in the Macy’s Parade at age 10. This would be revealed as a flashback. Lisa said that one of us would have to be diagnosed with cancer during the film; I suggested her, since she smokes. She said that it would be cruel irony if instead I was diagnosed with cancer. At this point of the film, I suggested "Cruel Summer" for the soundtrack. Lisa said that she would nurse me back to health, only to later be diagnosed with cancer herself. At this point, the soundtrack would include "Poison" by Bel Biv Divoe (also my suggestion, this being one of Lisa’s theme songs anyway).

The movie was beginning to sound like a Lifetime Original Movie Special. So we need some new ideas. Feel free to contribute. Also, my dear friends, let me know who should play you.  Suggestions?